Day 138 of 365 Days of Mindfulness Mastery
With Tawnya Love
June 17th, 2018
Beloved Soul Family,
I must get this off my Intuitive and highly aware heart. I just experienced an energetic ass kicking from my beloveds parents, primarily from his dad. From my observation I have opened myself up to these humans for over 2.5 years. Each interaction I show up authentic and open. I expect the best yet remain open to others choices. It is my intention that the lessons I just experienced and learned may help anyone going through similar.
Today after being asked to meet for Father’s Day coffee it happened again. I’m asked questions and so I answer, I engage with openness and presence. Then something strange happens, suddenly his mother starts to try to argue with me. I observe and express that I am agreeing with her point and so I wonder why she’s trying to argue.
Then the dad starts to compare myself with my Beloved. His ego is wanting to stimulate an ego reaction. I suddenly feel my hands shaking and my stomach feels nauseated. I notice I’m pulling away and covering my stomach and I’m having to consciously breathe. He starts telling me that if I basically shut the fuck up then people who are quiet like Will can speak. What’s interesting is I know my Beloved very well and he’s opened up to me on the reasons he chooses to remain silent around his over bearing family.
I sat in that tension listening to his dad making judgmental comments and I watched how he started moving towards me and hovering over me. At that point I recognized I was doing that thing, you know that people pleasing thing so many of us have been conditioned to do. Where you go silent and you just sit in that toxic energy gasping for your right to breathe and exist.
I noticed I was doing it and at that moment I started tearing up. Then the mom Shames me and says “look at her she’s mad now. Ohhh yeah she’s getting defensive!” I was incredibly present and knew I wasn’t defensive however I was in pain. My entire body was hurting and everything that is me said “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!”
So I made a choice, I had to ignore that conditioning of sitting in that energy to be polite to humans that we’re energetically sucker punching my solar plexus. So I choose from my center, my wisdom that said LOVE Yourself and Rise! I stood up shaking and holding my stomach and I walked away.
Once I turned the corner I started bawling my eyes out and consciously began calling my power back and cutting this nasty toxic energetic cord immediately. About 20 min later my beloved came looking for me and his dad came at me again. This time shouting at me that he wasn’t judging me and that it was all my perspective. Basically trying to intimidate me away from my own awareness and observation.
I am a very Conscious human being and I can FEEL when others are energetically attacking, I also have a heightened awareness of the strategic reasons people say and do what they do in their painful ego games. They are afraid, they want to compete and compare, they want to control those around them. They are guided by fear not Love.
I am a human who speaks out when I observe this abuse and let’s just say my awareness pissed his dad off. What I had to forgive myself for was remaining in that energy as long as I did. For allowing myself to squirm painfully in hopes to help the abusers feel better? A choice I am getting stronger in making each moment.
Today I Love myself and I forgive myself for remaining in that disgusting tension as long as I did. I forgive these hurting, judgmental humans who choose to control others and cause pain. I Love them and hope for the best for them, I forgive them and I am consciously Done! I fully release them. I AM Not going back for more!
I told my beloved that it hurt to observe him just sit their silently doing nothing and just watching this parents energetically and emotionally attack me. I forgive him for that and I made it clear that I deserve someone who will speak up, who will be aware and no longer try to convince me to keep going back around humans that enjoy hurting me. And that it is important he understand this if we are to continue co-creating a Loving Honoring relationship.
He cried and said he was so sorry and that he didn’t know what to do. I feel that fear was the dominating energy today during this interaction. My presence was feared, my voice was feared and my choices to move away from the fear were judged. I also understand that this has been my beloveds choice in dealing with his controlling family. However it is not how I choose to handle this.
My beloved said he would never ask me to go around his parents again. He finally sees that they have some issues that they do not want to see. And that’s fine. However we both committed to choosing Love and awareness from this moment forward. And Love is clearly telling us to stop going back.
I feel guided to share this truthful experience because so often we can feel suffocated and silenced by other hurting humans choices and actions. We can feel isolated from the fearful, controlling energy others choose to project. I will Not surrender my voice, my awareness and my Self Love to anyone. Not for family, not for anyone. I would rather walk alone by choice than to remain in such toxic energy.
It can feel exhausting when you find yourself blindsided and bullied by a group of humans. My hope is that more of us will pay attention and choose to Love ourselves and move away from the negativity in whatever ways our Conscious awareness offers us. And that the hurting humans will stop bullying and get some help.
I’ve spent 2.5 years doing my best to understand these humans, doing my best to keep forgiving their abusive ways. I no longer choose to show up in their abusive life movie. They have been fired today and I now open myself fully to receive the Love I know I deserve in whatever beautiful ways this Abundant Universe has in store. I Now call forth Higher Vibrational humans to co-create with in my Love filled life movie. So universe bring it on!
I hope that anyone reading this that can relate on any level will choose to Love themselves and get the hell away from those who do not want to Love, nor understand you. You deserve Love, Your voice is Sacred Never surrender to fear and silence & numb yourself. This world needs Sacred Rebels like us, those who Love fiercely and refuse to be puppets on another’s egoic string.
Thank You for listening, Thank You for Loving, Thank You for Trusting in the unknown and releasing all forms of energy that are abusive. Trust me you’ll Always FEEL it, so listen to your truth, face that fear in it’s illusory face and Move away from it. Call back your power, forgive yourself for times you didn’t and choose to be the 🌟 in your new life movie where you are deeply Loved & Honored.
Namaste 💞🙏💞 Tawnya Love